Is digging into your spouse’s past necessary?

December 20, 2007 by Pele Odiase | Tell a friend | Printer version

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Honesty is the best policy in any relationship and should be its bedrock; there shouldn’t be any form of deception or plan to deceive especially in marriage. Sometimes things happen to us that are beyond our control and sometimes we ask God ‘Why Me?’ Other events occur in our lives as a direct or indirect result of our decisions or foolishness.

In as much as God forgives our sins and remembers them not, they still linger in our minds and affect our current circumstances, how we view ourselves, our confidence and how we trust other people.

It the event that you now live a renewed life style and a God sent relationship beckons at your doorstep, you may begin to wonder if, how and when should you tell you intended spouse or husband about the past that haunts you which you would rather forget.

In some case it may be necessary to share the events of the past with your spouse especially if it is affecting your marriage adversely and your future together. Bear in mind that circumstances may occur in the future in which your spouse finds out from other sources. He or she may feel betrayed finding things out by accident rather than from you. He who finds equity must come with clean hands.

But how do you go about telling you spouse that you were

a product of a rape, raped or abused as a child
promiscuous and partook in orgies
a drug addict and lived a rebellious life
an ex-convict convicted for burglary, theft, rape or murder
abused in a previous relationship or marriage
had an abortion or abandoned a child on the streets
involved in pornography, homosexuality or bestiality

But you may have to if

childbearing become elusive because of abortion or an absent womb
one of the porn movies you starred in is about to be released in your neighbourhood
the kid you claim to be your sibling is actually your child
you are deep in debt from a wasteful past
the neighbour was on your hit list or a one night stand victim
your medical condition is a result of you past addiction
resources available to run the home is insufficient because you to pay child support or alimony

The list is endless and circumstance differs. But the issue is still the same. How do you tell the one you love the dark side of your past without feeling inferior, rejected or vulnerable?

It takes a great deal of courage and trust to share the past with your spouse. Many people never develop that trust throughout marriage. If your spouse is able it is an indication of trust, the value placed on the relationship and belief in the other party.

However it is crucial that you evaluate the information you intend to share with your spouse and the amount of detail you give especially if it wasn’t a pleasant experience. Men and women handle things differently. Guys tend to paint pictures in the mind from information given, so be careful with the amount of detail you give when sharing details that are sexual in nature. He may have a hard time trying to get rid of those thoughts and scenes from his mind.

Proverbs 25:11A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. - King James VersionTiming is of utmost importance especially when speaking to the man. You must get the timing right. This would determine whether it would be world war III or cloud 9 after that discussion. The spouse must earn the other parties trust to share such details. You don’t have or need to demand for information. It must come from the heart and the narrator must have full confidence, trust and belief in you. As defined Intimacy is ‘into-me-see’.

To be intimate with each other you need to know each other and not be ashamed. It requires wisdom and the truth must be told in love at the right time.

You can use your past to encourage others. There are a lot of charities and ministries who’s founders and leaders have gone through horrible past. Rather than give the devil the glory, they have used it to the glory of God to help others and prevent people from going through the same ordeal. One notable speaker is Joyce Meyer, what an inspiration she is. God can heal every situation and restore all that the canker worm have eaten. Trust him and rest in his love.

Recommended Books

	Broken Children, Grown-up Pain: Understanding the Effects of Your Wounded Past Despair. Emotional isolation. Self-loathing. Immaturity. Abusive actions.These are just some of the damaging fragments that remain embedded within our personalities, behaviors, and souls when we are broken as children. The memory of the past may seem distant and clouded, but within its scars deep wounds remain that continue to inflict pain upon our adult lives—and often end up spilling into the lives of others. In Broken Children, Grown-Up Pain, Paul Hegstrom, author of Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, shows us the scars from his broken childhood and shares practical and proven methods for facing and dealing with the pain of the past. By using scientific research, psychological studies, and biblical principles—especially those found in the Jewish model of raising children—he points us to the place of healing where we are finally free to pursue authentic relationships and build healthy emotional intimacy with others.
	A Path Through Suffering: Discovering the Relationship Between God’s Mercy and Our Pain Must we stumble through sorrow and tragedy without understanding or is there a lighted way—a path—through suffering? In A Path Through Suffering, Elliot plots the treacherous passage through pain, grief, and loss, a journey most of us will make many times in our life. Not hesitating to ask hard questions, she tenderly examines the hurts we suffer and boldly explores the nature of a God whose sovereign, intimate and perfect care for us confounds our finite understanding. Through it all, she says there is only one reliable path, and, if you walk it, you will see the transformation of all your losses, heartbreaks, and tragedies into something strong and purposeful.
	Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars When you discover your husband is involved in sexual sin–whether it’s lust, pornography, infidelity, or some other behavior–pain whips through you like a tornado. You wonder: will I survive this betrayal, will my marriage survive–and do I even want it to, and where is God in all of this? If your struggling with questions like these, you’ll find hope and healing in this book
	Naked Intimacy: How to Increase True Openness in Your Relationship Moving from indifference to passion in love relationships. Each of us longs to be loved and accepted for the person we truly are. Love relationships, at their best, provide an opportunity to discover and nurture our authentic selves. Ironically, our need for validation - or fear of rejection - is often so strong that we become guarded from the most important person in our lives: our love partner. The soul-baring intimacy and willingness to know and be known that made the beginning of love so passionate and exciting is instead replaced with feelings of apprehension, loneliness, and alienation. We may wonder if it is possible to regain genuine connection. Written by a leading couples therapist, “Naked Intimacy” illuminates the true meaning of intimacy and shows us how to achieve and maintain it over the long term.

7 Responses to “Is digging into your spouse’s past necessary?”

Alero on December 20th, 2007 at 9:39 pm

hmm. this one is quite thought provoking. you are truly gifted and divinely inspired, you touch issues at the heart
Renee Chaffin on December 21st, 2007 at 11:48 pm

I found this article very interesting..I actually think you should try being friends (or have a friend based relationship) before you actually date someone. That way they probably know who u were and who u are now because u have built trust in that person as a friend first. That way there really aren’t any BIG secrets left.

When it comes to someone’s past…do u REALLY even WANT to know everything? If someone u are feeling used to be extremely promiscuous then maybe you should know for health reasons because things have been known to lay dorminate in the body…
traceychiwuzie on December 28th, 2007 at 9:47 am

Renee is right. You really need to be more or less best friends with a guy first before a relationship so both of you can get to know all the good and the bad things about each other, especially the past. That way both of you build up trust which is the foundation of a good relationship.
Its a bit confusing as I would want to know what my hubby is up to or has been up to for health reasons….
Apart from the above reason, I believe that ‘what you dont know wont hurt you’ so I will not dig!
yettypearl on December 29th, 2007 at 1:42 am

interesting topic. i agree with d comments above..about he & she starting a relationship on the friendship level to a point were some level of trust is built into the friendship before things go further. this create room for informaton sharing even before marriage.
one of the benefits of true friendship is being able to share things with one another without feeling the other person would condem you…no matter how ‘bad’ it is. it’s about being able to trust & confide in one another.
ideally a spouse should be your bestfriend so its important in this situation that the listener shows they are willing to listen, be understanding and not judgemental….basicaly it’s a time to take on the bestfriend role …making it easier for the owner of the information to share.
i think it’s important to share as much information as possible with your spouse as it helps you get to know each other better, helps your spouse to understand you more…eg why you react a certain way in certain situations or when certain things are said etc. and its best for a spouse to find out from you than to find out from an outsider.
i know it’s easier said than done but im sure it’s worth it when done properly (there’s not one method for everyone….its about finding out what works best for you both)…it could provide a means of release for the person sharing and the partner should appreciate that you trusted him/her that much to share such information and even put them in a position where they feel they can confide in you too.
its also about protecting one another’s information and not broadcasting or using the information to attack them in the future during an arguement for example…dats just wrong and childish…and it breaks trust.
i could go on and on..so i think i’l stop here. but yeah personally i’d like to share as much as i can with my spouse….’good or bad’, ‘plesant or unpleasant’
kanyinsola on January 1st, 2008 at 6:12 pm

now this is a tricky one. cos i personally think whats done is done, really, cos at the end of the end, what will digging into one’s past serve. now that is subjective, cos, different situations warrant different responses.

If a person knows within themselves, they have changed for a considerable amount of time and then meet someone,I dont think delving into the intricacies of the past would serve any good. obviously, it does seem like deception, but then again, I think somethings don’t need to be said. Because, when we become Chrisians, Christ takes away our sins and God forgives us, but man still judges.

I think keeping somethings where they belong sometimes is the best thing.

Sharing all is great, - ‘good or bad’, ‘pleasant or unpleasant’, however what happens when you’ve had more unpleasant than pleasant experiences
yettypearl on January 2nd, 2008 at 6:02 pm

Wanting to share as much as i can is a personal thing and quantifying what’s much and what’s not enough is also very subjective i believe.

i belive what matters is UNDERSTANDING the best way to share i.e the approach that works for both you and your spouse. So that after sharing you know no one’s going to be told to sleep on the couch that night.

also one shouldn’t be threatened into sharing. reasons for sharing should not be for personal gain (i.e one forcing a partner to share just to satisfy one’s curiosity)….it’s should be for the benefit of both parties.

i also believe certain things need to be shared e.g like i said before…things from your past that still afffect you in the present. your partner deserves a right to know why you react in a certain way when he/she/someone else say’s or does cetain things. that way you can both work together to figure out ways to help you best deal with the problem…(your partner is a human being and so he/she can only be understanding to a certain limit so its helps when there’s a reason to give more room for understanding)

also certain things can affect the future of the relationship and so its only fair to share them so each person know’s what they are gettig into before they say the ‘i do’s’ and its never too late to share them even after the ‘i do’s’…..that way if ya’l need to pray…everyone knows what they are praying about.
not everyone’s a christian before marriage.

but yeah how much is shared and even how much detail is subjective but at the end of it…the result should be positive not detrimental…so we need to UNDERSTAND how to deal with sharing information about our past.

i’d say be open with one another….
but digging implies that one person is probing into the other persons past in a noosy way..lol????
yettypearl on January 2nd, 2008 at 6:05 pm

i do apologise if my replies are too long:D

Ask Dr. P