Ask Dr. P

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For those who do not know Adolf Hitler (1889 – 1945), he was one of history’s most brutal leaders. He converted Germany into a fully remilitarized society and launched World War II. He used tremendous forcefulness, charisma, oratory and his ability to appeal to people’s baser instinct to manipulate them. Apart from the oratory bit, I believed I was becoming a domestic Hitler in my home

I grew up in the military cantonment; my nursery and primary education were in the confines of the barracks. At age 11 I went to military school for my secondary education after which I served in the army. ‘Parade shun’, ‘ stand at ease’, ’shoulder arms’ and the involuntary echoes of ‘yes sir’ to every order were common place and second nature. Coupled with the fact that the institutions I attend were male only, I had little or no knowledge of how to treat a woman or a clue that they were from Venus. My upbringing may have contributed to this undesired leadership style; it definitely isn’t an excuse to remain that way.

Marriage so far has been a wake-up call, an eye opener and a rude awakening to the reality of womanhood, temperaments, relationships and leadership. Apart from English language I needed to learn many more languages and vocabulary. Suffice to say that my precious wife responds to all of the 5 love languages highlighted in Gary Chapman’s book. I had to learn the vocabulary of silence in certain situations and unlearn silent treatments. I am trusting God in this area still, but definitely getting better, believe me.

How foolish I was to ever think that barking out orders would be met by the loud echoes of ‘Yes Sir’. I should have understood that she wasn’t another recruit personally assigned to me to take instructions without complaints, suggestions or opinions. But trust me, she did not disappoint me. Every military offensive I planned was met with equal opposition, scorn and bitterness, pressed down shaken together and running over. Ephesians 5:28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. - King James VersionSome of the orders I tried to instituting include the following:

• 0600 - Wake up
• 0630 – Prayers & devotions
• 0730 – Breakfast
• 0900 – Work /school
• 1400 – Lunch (when possible)
• 1900 – Supper
• 2300 – Lights out

Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but those were my lines of thought. For all of my teenage life, I had been regimented and trained to adhere to routines and time keeping. As a single person, it wasn’t a problem, but in marriage, hell was let loose very often. It may sound funny now, but it hasn’t been easy adapting to our new life together as a couple. Sometimes, I felt like a fish out of water, but I have learnt to relax a bit and take life easy. I know that having a daily routine has a part to play in succeeding in life, but definitely not my draconian approach.

In my transforming from a domestic Hitler to a husband, lover and leader that I am becoming, I learnt the 3 salient truths which were directly opposite to what I learnt in boot camp.

1. You lead, others follow

   In the military your superiors bark orders and you carry them out and report back. In marriage we discuss issues, agree on the way forward or agree to disagree. Only in stalemates and dire situations do I use my authority as the head of the home. I lead by example and we share the experience together. In this way, we bond and have things to talk and laugh about.

   I’ll give an example; my wife had wanted to register at the gym which was a wonderful idea. And I made sure I reminded her every now and then so she doesn’t forget. I thought my part was to pay her subscription and hers was to attend the gym. To my surprise, she wanted me to register at the gym as well and attend with her. That wasn’t funny at all. Well, I’m the leader, so I had to lead the way. After the first two sessions at the gym, no one had to tell me to stop the nagging and appreciate her desire to exercise. So men, if you are leading your home and no one is following, you are taking a walk.Romans 12:2-3²And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.  ³For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.   - King James Version

2. Admiral’s birthday is everyday

   In the navy, it said that you are only expected to smile on pay day which was referred to as the admiral’s birthday. A day you get rewarded for the month’s hard sailing. In marriage, the admiral’s birthday is every day. She wants little kindness here and there, sweet talks, strokes, and cuddles, gifts, kisses and not necessarily the ultimate. She wants to hear and feel the ‘I love you’. What a chore and hard thing to learn. About 3 weeks ago, just as I was about slipping into dreamland, when she asked ‘do you love me?’ I knew I had goofed big time. I could not answer the question not because I didn’t want to but because I knew my love tank was empty and it needed refilling. The next day I greeted her with a bouquet of 12 roses. It’s hard work, but I’m getting there bit by bit.Proverbs 19:6Many will entreat the favour of the prince: and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts. - King James Version

3. Yes doesn’t always mean yes and right now!

   As a subordinate, whether you liked it the order or not, you must obey orders and carry them out when and exactly how you are asked to. After our wedding, I had a set plan for the next 12 months of our lives. I knew where I wanted us to be and what we should have achieved at the end of the 12 months. A word of advice, it doesn’t work out that way. If she doesn’t feel it and agree in her heart, she might say yes alright, just to avoid an argument, but thou shall receive thy fruits in her own time. Patience is a virtue ! In the military orders must be ‘CLAP‘: Clear, Loud As an order, with regulatory Pause. In marriage, decisions should be Considerate, with Love, in Agreement and Patiently expected.

We are grateful to our thoughtful Christian friends who were there to encourage and give godly counsel in trouble times. As they once said, every marriage goes through the teething process which is painful.Proverbs 9:9Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning. - King James VersionFor a marriage to succeed, both parties must have the willingness to change and adapt. Compromise should always be employed and paid due attention and only in odd cases should it be over ruled by veto.

We were fortunate to attend marriage classes organized by our local church. In my opinion, every intending couple should have some form of counseling and tutoring before being given a marriage license. A lot of training, test and bureaucracy are required to get a driving license. Don’t you think that marriage licenses should be given with caution and only after proper training and consultation?

Gentlemen, we need to rise up to our responsibilities as husbands with a commitment to change. Wives please bear with us and motivate us to change. It takes time for a moth to transform into a beautiful butterfly, a boss into a leader, a tyrant into a democrat, and a dictator into a loving husband. We are about to break out of our cocoon. Seed - time - harvest !! ShalomPhilippians 4:8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. - King James Version2 Corinthians 4:16For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. - King James Version

Recommended Books
	Marriage Mentor Training Manual for Husbands: A Ten-session Program for Equipping Marriage Mentors This book covers everything you need to launch a marriage mentoring program. A sleeping giant is waking up in the church today - You - and thousands of couples like you who are making a huge difference in countless marriages. You’ve spent years learning how to make your marriage work. Now, as marriage mentors, you’re ready to help other couples grow stronger in their marriages while taking your own marriage to the next level. Designed by two of today’s foremost marriage experts, this groundbreaking resource will train and equip you to help others weather the storms and build successful marriages. You won’t find a more thorough, reassuring, and carefully designed approach for marriage mentoring anywhere.
What Wives Wish Husbands Knew	It’s a Guy Thing: The Essential Guide: Helping Guys Become Men, Husbands, and Fathers	Good Christians, Good Husbands?: Leaving a Legacy in Marriage & Ministry

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