Marriage can reveal a lot of things about who we are and who our spouses really are too. The dating period is over and if there was any pretence, your true self is now manifested in the flesh. It is not surprising that after a while you begin to think you married the wrong person. Most of the time, this thought arises as a result of differences in opinions, philosophy, ideology, faith, habits and sometimes interests. For the genuine, it would take time and mutual compromises to adjust in marriage and maintain harmony in the relationship. I was presented with a similar situation like this and these were my thoughts.
Thanks for your email and for the opportunity to share my views with regards to the issue at hand. My views are based solely on the information you provided in your email. I know that not all the details were presented and only the two parties involved know exactly what the situation is. However, I’ll give my views based on the information available.
I gather that the man was cajoled into marriage even though he did not love the girl in question and after he expressed his candid desire not to marry her. The marriage was founded on pity and indebtedness on the part of the girl. Love, faith or common interests were not considered at all. True love should be the motivation for any relationship but there are lots of other things to consider before getting married. No wise man builds a house without counting the cost. He was manipulated into marrying the girl against his will by the senior pastor based on spirituality. I must say that he wasn’t given the right counsel prior to marriage which is very sad.
It is a pity that he was not able to stand up for what he believed and knew was the right, but he went ahead to marry her. Others can give counsel, advice and even pressure you but the final decision lies with the man and woman, and they would be responsible for their decisions. It is possible that he was unaware of the gravity of making a vow it the presence of God and that marriage is till death except in the case of adultery. If he knew, he probably wouldn’t have gone ahead with the wedding. But there is no need crying over spilt milk, they are legally man and wife.
However, I have a concern about the whole episode and the mindset of the man. Does it mean that after marriage he was still looking elsewhere for a wife? It implies he was committing adultery with his eyes to say the least, if not how did the new girl come into the picture? A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. Two people should not be compared. I feel he was looking for someone better than his wife and since he has now found one, his wife has suddenly become irrelevant. It would have been a genuine concern if he felt he couldn’t go on with the marriage based on the issues at hand and not because there is another girl he wants to marry. I truly pity the woman that marries a man that leaves his wife for her. What is the guarantee that he would not find someone else better that her and leave again? There would definitely be a prettier woman out there. I can bet he would find some more excuses for leaving her. What keeps a man in his marriage is his fear for God and the vow he made at the altar. If I were the woman he wants to run away with, I will run for my life. It’s simple she will reap what she sows. If she decides to run away with another woman’s husband, she will reap it in good measures, pressed down, shaken together and running over.
I think the man needs a sound check. He is married and no longer single. He needs to accept that fact and put in 100% to make the marriage work. With the situation as it is, he may need to put in 500%. You mentioned the areas he feels the wife is lacking
- House keeping
- Personal / home hygiene
- Home and financial management
No mention is made of her not being a born again or not a believer. Even if she isn’t a Christian, he still has to dwell with her. The issues mentioned are physical issues and can be improved, changed and made better. I believe he is not perfect as well, so he shouldn’t be hard on the wife. She needs all the love, encouragement and support she can muster. I believe that a woman would do anything, and I mean anything if she believes and knows that her husband truly loves her and shows that he does.
I don’t know how long they have been married for, but if it takes 100 years to get things right, he needs to stick to the marriage. There is no back door, marriage needs hard work to make it work. If he decides to go ahead with the planned marriage in another country, he would be sinning against God, his wife and the law. He needs to think very clearly and objectively about what he is about to do in line with the scriptures and the reality of life. It is a dire situation he is in at the moment but it can be remedied. He needs to stand as a man and face the problem head on and not run away from it. He has made the decision and married his wife and he should be a man of his words and redeem the vow he made to his wife in the presence to God. This is my view of the situation and trust that God would grant him wisdom and understand to make the right choice.
You once dreamed of a life of Prince Charmings and fairy-tale endings. But now that you’ve grown up and arrived at womanhood, those dreams seem so far out of reach. Your husband isn’t quite the guy you thought you married, your kids face challenges you never dreamed of, you have to work a lot more than you expected just to make ends meet, your spiritual life is a joke, and even the bedroom wallpaper you saved up for just looks wrong. How in the world can you cope with constant disappointment at every level of life? If your life feels far off the mark, you can overcome the disappointment with this stimulating new discussion guide. It brings together literary and cultural insights, conversation starters, and key passages from The Message. And it will give you fresh, realistic hope and purpose for the days ahead.
Many in the church seek unity by glossing over major theological differences. Lutzer confronts those differences head-on, seeking to give you a clear understanding of why they exist.
His non-combative look at infant baptism, sacraments, the worship of Mary, eternal security, and other divisive issues will help you formulate a fresh biblical perspective on historic doctrines