Can somebody please talk me through this. Would someone be kind enough to explain to me what exactly has gone wrong with me. Could it be I’m losing my mind? Oh! you guess as much; ok, why not tell me more about me. Why not provide answers to my teeming whys. Why, why, why, and why I yelled ! Why was I born into this family, why was I born this gender, why do I have this colour, why was I born on this continent, this particular nation and this tribe? It’s also no fault of mine that the concept of ‘boy-fatherism’ made a place in my history and please don’t tell me it’s a choice to feel bad about it.
Now to the issue of choices, of what use if I may ask, so much ado about choices? The power of choice, the purpose of choice, the meaning of choice…… all tends to crumble at this stop where ‘the LORD’S counsel shall stand’. Why should I even try when HE’S fixed my limit. Please tell me about HIS love. I’ve heard great is HIS love, that HIS mercies are new every morning, yet, to grasp the hidden truth in those gracious words seems to me like a mirage. Days that promised greatness and splendour at conception, often beginning with bright smile from the womb of the dawn, ended in frustration. Well, you may be right , probably I made some bad choices , but I want you to know I couldn’t but make them, I was just too timid to stretch my chances. Seems like no true friend, no money, no hope for tomorrow, my world beckons to crashing, I thought to myself- what is the essence of life?
He’s called the Holy Spirit, the counsellor, the comforter, the spirit of creation and manifestation; I knew I once had HIM with me but for now I’m not really sure if HE’S still with me! I asked HIM questions but I cant perceive HIS reply, I cried but the louder I did the more eerie the sound became. HE indeed is my last stop for hope, yet HE seems so far! Don’t be deceived if you see me smiling, its only plastic and ephemeral.
The whole concept called life baffles me; but I came alone to this world I wondered, why would I need you to make it. Why can’t I be happy with me and in me alone! The more I dwelt on it , the more hopeless I became. Of course I’ve got dreams just like you, dreams to shake the world positively, to unravel age-long mysteries, to break new frontiers in the scientific realm; but how sad I felt when I was left frustrated groping within the spheres of uncertainties. Life is so short I concluded, yet mine seems laced with frustrations. So, I’m asking what use is life, if so short and yet your will and choices are ultimately overruled by others hanging beyond the cosmos?
I bet you don’t want to know about my yesterday; please, don’t bother asking! Hey! Could that probably be the key? I think I’m seeing a light, but it looks so dim to even light up a miniature room, how much more the most complex of rooms -THE HUMAN MIND. You see, yesterday had some memorable periods; yeah, I think I can remember the day I felt my world had crumbled ,boy! Did HE rescue me or not, of course HE did, if not I won‘t be here!!! I remembered my lonely nights, spiced with questions of sorrows, with nobody to talk to. Yes, I knew I felt a presence of the divine dimension that night. I remembered an ambiance enveloped me and swapped my anguish for joy; I mean ‘joy unspeakable full of glory’, all in a fraction of a second. Why not now I reasoned, what’s gone wrong with me I chorused again and again!!!!!
Oh, am I ending on this sad note? I presume YES, but even if I’ll have to go now, I’ll still want to thank you for taking your time in reading my story. If there’s any justice, if there’s any love, if there’s any grace; I pray you’ll find it in the course of your life. I sincerely want to hold on to life just like you , but I’m fagged out already. I thought being a Pugilist with life could secure me some valuable points, how wrong I was! I wrestled and kicked back at life, all to no avail. I’m about dropping, I’m about accepting defeat, I’m about believing for the worst, though I’m not sure what yonder holds for me, I’ve heard ETERNITY MEANS FOREVER. I’ve learnt there’s no return match in this game called life. ITS OVER WHEN I’M OVER THERE.
Gosh!!! Thoughts kept rushing to my mind, but among the thoughts came A THOUGHT- whispering ‘u can make it’, the impact of the voice came so strong that I became aware of myself. ‘Your tomorrow is bright’, I heard again, I turned to see this strange voice whose ambiance by now ’filleth all in all’. Much to my surprise I didn’t see anything, but I felt something; something so real that I began to cry, something so thick that I could barely lift up my hand and something so great that I understood my naivety almost instantly! So much like what I experienced in the days of old, hmm, but much more stronger. HE SPOKE TO ME!! HE TOLD ME I AM HIS. HE told me- HE’S got a plan for my life, HE told me I’m HIS workmanship and that HE’S still working on me.
Suddenly, I went from despair to multiple hope. The hold of suicide was gone, the hope for tomorrow has been kindled. Light brighter than the intensity of the sun is shining in place of gloomy darkness; I understood- THE POWER TO BELIEVE IS THE POWER TO BECOME. Now I can smile, now my head is held up high, my fears indeed are real but they’ve being robbed of power over me, my today may not be nice in definition but my future is secured.
Oh, what a joy to know He never changes, HE loves me with an everlasting love and HE still believes in me when I’m at my lowest ebb of self-perception. Clearly and caringly HE told me, He’ll never leave nor forsake me. Oppositions are real, battles are unavoidable, challenges are the norm not the exception!! But more real, HE told me, is my position with HIM . What a joy to know HE cares when my world seems crumbling. I arose from the shell of self-pity and suicidal inclination, and much to my surprise I heard the song ‘NEW DAY HAS COME’.
Yes!!! Its indeed a new day, with new mercy and favour, new grace and hope but most importantly a brand new attitude and outlook to life. With this encounter my life took shape, I became the cynosure of all eyes, I thought- had they known my history, they would have praised HIS glory!!!!!!!!! Did I hear you say awesome, I bet you lacked a better word just like me, but in trying to assert HIS personality, why not chorus it with me, lets simply call HIM, ‘THE I AM THAT IS I AM. The one that brings something out of nothing‘; knowing fully
well that the frontier of our diction cannot articulate correctly who He is, but we can barely scratch the surface of HIS SOVEREIGNTY.
In conclusion, ’the voice of the LORD breaks the cedars’, no matter how hard the grip of suicide over your life is, I implore you to open up to HIS voice, in it is the strength to carry on. Remember ‘a truth when perceived as the only truth is deception’, and even though what you’re going through is both true and real, yet more real and true is HIS ability to talk you through. Allow HIM in your situation and I guarantee you a change of story. SHALOM.
Dedicated to all grandaunts, students and intending students of the school of suicide.
0, Hell Highway,
Death Avenue, Hades,
Eternity in Sheol
To the grandaunts- may their precious souls rest in peace.
To present students- why waste your time and energy studying so hard for a course that holds a gloomy employment opportunity in the great beyond! Why not gracefully drop out and rob Sheol another grin of wicked pleasure.
To intending students- you needn’t be a genius to know courses offered in this school are not user-friendly, they lead to no where but utter hopelessness, so withdraw your application now, don’t sign that offer letter and better yet don’t even bother applying U WILL MAKE IT