How many times have you heard people say that sexual compatibility is an important factor to consider before getting hitched? I believe every aspiring spouse would like to have mind blowing sex in marriage. Instead than trusting God and keeping themselves pure and chaste, they submit to test driving each other to guarantee compatibility. Obviously not every test driven car ends up in the drive way of the driver. Putting one and two together, if I can test drive one car, enjoy the comfort without any obligation to buy, why can’t I enjoy the same experience with different models, shapes, sizes and color.
In my opinion sexual compatibility is just a license to have sex without any commitment or strings attached. No two human beings are sexually compatible. It takes time, efforts, research and advice to be good at it.
Sex as ordained by God should be practiced in the confines of marriage alone. Having said that, the question may arise as is sometimes the case, ‘what if a couple get married without premarital sex and 2 years down the line, their sex life has never been good and frustration creeps in? Definitely the familiar thought ‘we should have confirmed if we were sexually compatible before we got married’ would resound in their minds and be echoed by unbelieving friends.
If this is your situation you shouldn’t give up, rather work together to improve it. I was raised in a religious home and sex was never discussed. I found out about it from peers, friends, films, books etc. I think the best place to learn and understand is in our homes and churches. Hopefully you are in a decent family and you worship in a bible believing church because you can equally learn the wrong things about sex from dysfunctional homes and churches. The bible doesn’t explicitly give details on how to go about it, it however clearly states that it should be done in marriage, between a man and a woman, and it should not be denied without prior agreements by both parties.
Some of the factors that may contribute to experience unrewarding sex life may include but not restricted to the following:
Childhood and upbringing
Certain tribes see the discussion of sex as taboo even between couples. Kids brought up in this environment may end up believing the same thing. God created man as he said it was very good including sex. Caution however should be thrown in so as not to corrupt children. Kids should be told what they need to know about sex and relationships at the appropriate ages especially in our generation where pedophiles are on the rampage. If they are not taught the right things, they would pick it up elsewhere.
The same situation above also applies to churches. The ‘holy art thou’ attitude prevents the discussion of sex and related issues among believers. I wouldn’t be surprised if eye brows are raised by people in that school of thought with the publication of this article. God is our manufacturer so to speak, to be able to use the apparatus he gave us we need the manufacturer’s manual. If the purpose of a thing is not known abuse is inevitable.
Ignorance is expensive
For one reason or the other, one or both parties may be genuinely ignorant about sex and what it takes to have a fulfilling sex life. The male and female anatomy differs so also are their paths to orgasm. These details are not explicitly stated in the bible but information can be gleaned from books and probably the web. It doesn’t have to be pornographic, it can be academic and purely informative. I almost freaked out with my first visit to Ann Summers. I had to learn fast and well. It takes practice to be able to hang in there so you arrive home together. Naturally men are not like that, we just wanting to get home as soon as we can as the crow flies. To us foreplay is a waste of time. Both parties need to communicate their needs and seek ways to spice things up.
Past relationships and experiences
Events of the past may have scarred one or both parties, and the thought of having sex only brings back sad and painful memories. They may have been in a sexually abusive relationship either as a child or an adult. Some tribes still give their daughters out in marriage at very young ages. It is possible that they may be haunted by previous sexual perversions. A woman’s first sexual encounter may not have been a pleasant one but it shouldn’t be a yardstick to measure future experiences.
Whatever the case or circumstance, God can heal every wound and hurt. He can wipe away your tears and give you a fresh start. Ask Him for forgiveness and trust Him to restore unto you the joy of His salvation.
You may need to see the doctor for advice on how to go about this. If this situation existed before marriage and the other party was left in the dark, it amounts to wickedness and betrayal of trust. However, a man can also by psychologically impotent if he doesn’t feel the urgent urge to merge with his spouse due to constant verbal abuse, though he may feel airy in the company of other women. Get help quick!, phone a friend, try 50 – 50 or ask the audience.
A man can be deeply bruised if he is constantly berated by his wife for under-performing and not meeting her sexual needs. It may probably lead to a closed spirit. A wise woman would offer support and encourage In such situations and not constantly nagging. He may have to dwell in the loft!
You offer support and encourage one another by:
- Not raising the issue of lack of sexual fulfillment all the time
- Commending efforts and progress made no matter how little it may seem
- Speaking positively about the situation. The words that you speak are spirit and alive. As you continue to speak they would come to pass.
- Pray together and ask God to turn things around.
- Show your love to one another in as many ways as you can regardless of the situation.
With God’s help, counseling sessions and lots of practice you’ll overcome. Don’t expect the situation to change overnight; it would take weeks or months. Once you reach critical mass, the sky would be your limits.
Daniel Akin does not write in a vacuum. Having lead over 300 marriage seminars across the United States, he is in touch with contemporary distorted perceptions of sex. But the Bible is not silent on this subject. As a matter of fact it has much to say.
As the creator of sex, God knows and has imparted the knowledge of the conditions for sex at its best. Daniel Akin sets the many and varied misconceptions about sex alongside God’s design to reveal His intention and blessing for this vital dimension of life.
“.. brings hope and excitement as it gently unravels the mysteries and misunderstandings surrounding marital sex… I highly recommend it.”
This book opens the lines of communication so that a couple can openly discuss their needs and experience sexual intimacy according to God’s design.
‘Not tonight, darling, I’ve got a headache…’ An estimated one in three couples suffer from problems associated with one partner having a higher libido than the other. Marriage therapist Michele Weiner Davis has written THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE to help couples come to terms with this problem.
Weiner Davis shows you how to address pyschological factors like depression, poor body image and communication problems that affect sexual desire. With separate chapters for the spouse that’s ready for action and the spouse that’s ready for sleep, THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE will help you re-spark your passion and stop you fighting about sex.
Weiner Davis is renowned for her straight-talking style and here she puts it to great use to let you know you’re not alone in having marital sex problems. Bitterness or complacency about ho-hum sex can ruin a marriage, breaking the emotional tie of good sex.
A perfect follow-up book to the Rosbergs’ widely read book 5 Love Needs of Men & Women. The 5 Sex Needs provides a straightforward and candid look at the different sex needs that both men and women bring to a marriage.
The Rosbergs both educate and challenge married couples to develop a godly view of sexual intimacy. This book does not cover sexual techniques; instead, the specifics include the emotional, spiritual, and physical needs of sex within a marriage.