3 Ways to Keep the Love Aflame: A Husband’s Perspective


Lighting a unity candle is sometimes incorporated in wedding ceremonies to symbolize two live coming together as one. In the early days, the love between the husband and wife radiates but after a while it begins to dwindle with each argument, misunderstanding and challenge that life brings. Marriages don’t just pack up all of a sudden, is a gradual process. It is vital that both parties are determined to make the marriage work. Both parties, and not one party, need to be committed to making it work and to keep the love aflame in the marriage.

The marriage starts after the wedding, the day both parties enrolled into the marriage institution for life to learn and understudy each other. The needs of a man differ from those of a woman as highlighted in 7 Things I Understood Better 12 Months into Marriage. This article intends to look at the needs of a man that, when met, would keep him interested and never getting enough of his wife.

  1. Honour & Respect

    The man’s ego needs to be feed constantly. His ego is not the same as pride, but a feature on which his manhood and significance anchor. The woman demands, expects and requires the man to at least say ‘I love you’ several times a day. She needs cuddles, gifts, flowers and physical expression of love like holding hands in public. But how often do women make the same effort to feed the man’s ego by honouring and respecting him. As mentioned earlier, both parties must be committed to making the relationship work. It would be unfair and an injustice for one party to put in all the effort while the other basks in love.

    The man is commanded to love his wife, the woman is required to respect and honour the man as the head of the home and her covering. A man would prefer to be respected and honoured than to be loved. That’s why men like titles: Dr. A, Prof. B, Reverend Dr. Chief C or Honourable D. The man’s issue is his significance. It is common place for men to get involved with their secretaries at work. Why? Because, among other things, they honour and respect them as their bosses.

    Mike Murdock in his ‘Wisdom Keys’ said a man would decline to pursue a painful experience. If home only reminds him of pain and dishonour, he’ll seek overtime at work and put in for extra shifts just to avoid going home. He’ll probably prefer spending time with his friends or hang out in the pub. Honour and respect is a key issue in men. It feeds his ego and establishes his significance. The wife therefore should give seeking ways to honour and respect her husband a higher priority to loving him.

    Some practical ways of showing honour and respect include:

    • Preparing the kings table: it is widely said that the route to the man’s heart is through his stomach. Prepare his meal and serve him as you imagine a king would be served.
    • Speak to the king in him: Sarah called Abraham her lord. Speak to the king in the man all the time. Exaggerate his successes, achievements and victories and minimize his failures, faults and errors.
    • Speak highly of him to your friends, parents and siblings: Constantly confirm his authority especially at home.
    • Be the help meet you were created to be: Seek ways to help him fulfill his dreams, ambitions and aspirations, with joy and not grudgingly

    Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives

  2. Dress to Kill

    Anyone heard of the phrase ‘Dress to kill’? Remember your dating days, when you went all out to grab his attention. The hours you invested shopping for nice clothes, shoes and accessories for that date. Just as you would watch over any major financial investment you make, you need to constantly ensure you keep your man interested. It would take what you did to get his attention to keep his attention. You should not rest your oars now that you’ve gotten him and have the ring on your fingers. Someone else will get his attention sooner than you expect.

    At work he sees, nicely dressed ladies, colleagues and clients but at he comes to a tired and shabby look. Perhaps she must have been busy tidying up the home, taking care of the kids and doing household chores, but the need of the husband isn’t still met. He may appreciate the work and things you’ve done but his love tank is in the red. Men are visually stimulated. He needs to see what he wants and where he is going. You can then understand why men are sometimes fussy about weight loss and also plagued with pornography.

    The woman should as much as possible seek new ways to keep his full attention. Some of which may include the following:

    • Visit the shops and get some sexy lingerie, uniforms, and accessories to spice things up.
    • Learn the tricks of the trade. There are tons of books and resources you can glean for information which are not pornographic. Find out his fantasies and fulfill them. I believe they won’t be bizarre. Wear him out and make sure he is properly fed at home so he doesn’t seek satisfaction elsewhere.
    • Great him at the door warmly with a kiss and a hug. Make him feel welcome.
    • When at home together, be properly dressed and made up, just as if you were going out. If you can do that to go to work for other people to compliment, don’t you think you should do more for your husband.
    • Visit the hairdressers regularly. At some point he’ll begin to notice the new hairstyles and probably start paying for them.
    • Brush and wash properly and regularly that is if you want kisses or a head.
  3. Be a Pillar and not a Caterpillar

    A man needs help and support even though he may not voice or admit it. The woman was created and designed to be this helper. When man was created, the first thing he saw was his job; maintaining the garden. When woman was made, the first thing she experienced was relationship and family. The man thus gains fulfillment from his work and labour while the woman derives fulfillment in relationships and family. The world’s economy has however required the woman to support the man by working and contributing to the household income. This gesture should complement the man’s effort and not serve as an avenue to compete with him.

    He needs family support and a commitment to help raise the children properly. He needs a shoulder to lean on. Men may not shed tears but they cry and hurt deep. It’s often expressed in anger and not rears. A woman needs cuddles, re-assuring words and comfort in her times of despair and sorrow, so also does the man.

    When the man is hurting is not the time for the woman to demand a reason for his anger but a time to comfort, reassure and support him. She could achieve this by:

    • Not questioning the basis of his anger at that instant. If she cannot discern from the immediate past occurrences it should be saved for a later time when the situation has been allayed.
    • Not minimising his pain. Take genuine interest in his hurt even if it doesn’t make sense to you.
    • Be patient and see him through. Do not leave him to himself in frustration. Give him a listening ear and respond with soft, gentle and reassuring statements of love and support.
    • Tactfully determine the appropriate moment to hold or cuddle him. Perhaps when the situation is a bit calm.
    • In peace time, find out what the cause of his hurt was and help prevent the situation from re-occurring.

These are guidelines and not hard and fast rules. Every marriage is different but overtime you would be able to understand each other if you are committed to the marriage. I cannot overemphasize that both parties must be involved. The wife should not expect the man to make efforts to love and keep the love aflame without reciprocating the gesture. It is team work and both parties must work as a team. Look out for the wife perspectives to keeping the love aflame in future post.

Psalms 128:1-6  1 A Song of degrees. Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways.  2For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee.  3Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.  4Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD.  5The LORD shall bless thee out of Zion: and thou shalt see the good of Jerusalem all the days of thy life.  6Yea, thou shalt see thy children’s children, and peace upon Israel


About Author

Pele began his education in Nigeria before moving to the UK for a masters degree and subsequently a PhD in computer science. The sharp contrast in life and morals in the UK motivated him to start his blog, a website dedicated to sharing candid and virtuous views to enable individuals and families maximize their potentials in life, relationships and finances.


  1. I felt like throwing up when I got to the part: “Brush and wash properly and regularly that is if you want kisses or A HEAD.” To have this along with verses from Scripture seems an abomination to me.

  2. Stella Ebhodaghe on

    As much as i may want to brush aside these points,i cannot deny the fact that they are actually true,my husband had actually made an effort to let me know his needs as a man and these points you listed are part of them. But what happens in suituations where it is not commonly done in ones culture,e.g the kissing and hugging when welcoming him back from work?, How can one help it?.

    • It is true that our culture, upbringing and life experiences affect how we react in various situations and in marriage. With communication both parties can understand each others needs and love language(s) (Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service & Physical Touch). Few men find it easy to express how they want to be loved to their wives, especially in African cultures where physical expressions of love such as hugging and kissing is hardly done and where men are expected to be void any form of emotions. In every man is a kid that genuinely desires to be loved, appreciated and motivated. Sometimes the male ego prevents men from admitting this fact. I find some truth in the common saying that “…behind every successful man is a woman…” who usually is either his wife or mother full of love, support and encouragement.

      I believe for a man to express his desire to be loved to his wife, is a very bold step and an indication that his love tank is empty. Some men view this as a sign of weakness and instead decide to seek satisfaction elsewhere. The same applies when the wife begins to ask her husband ‘do you love me?’ This need should only be satisfied within the boundaries of marriage.

      It would take time and practice and get use to hugging and kissing especially if not brought up in an environment where outward expression of love is shown in marriage / family. With commitment to change from both parties and the genuine desire to please each other, this hurdle can be scaled and the barrier broken. God created us as Spiritual, Emotional and Physical Beings (Spirit, Soul and Body). Thus for us to be whole we need to function effectively spiritually by being born again, emotional by being loved and shown love and physically by staying healthy. If one aspect is lacking a void is created and science tells us that a void will always want filling.

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