Deciding who to marry isn’t a trivial decision to make. Your decision would have a lasting impact on your life and affect your course of destiny and future generations. It is important that this decision is taken after carefully thought and considerations. This is part 2 of a 5-part series, a follow up to .
1. Does he Love God and Pursue His Presence
So the guy whom you will happily live with has to be someone who loves and fears God. One thing is to love God, and another thing is to have the fear of God because we can love God yet live in sin. We have this warped mindset that tells us He will always forgive, but we forget that every misdeed has its inevitable consequences. But someone who fears God will know that God is also a consuming fire and a righteous God.
If Adam had known, he might not have disregarded God’s instructions not to eat the forbidden fruit. If David had known that his fling with Bathsheba would wreck his family, he would have held back those streams of passion that welled up within when he saw the sculpted body of a woman having her bath on the roof top. Did you realise that his own son raped his step-sister, took her virginity her and didn’t care a hoot. This led to more chaos and bloodshed in David’s house. His son also slept with his wives and concubines despite his deep love and passion for God’s presence!
So the first thing you need to check is if the prospective guy loves, fears, and respects God’s laws and principles. I didn’t say if he is religious or pious. In essence, has the guy got a personal relationship and encounter with God? Does he give thought to God’s perspective when making decisions and what are his philosophies and views of life? Do they stem from a biblical mindset?
The world would says ‘men are polygamous in nature’ just to excuse our sexual indiscretions and all but the bible yet emphasizes that ‘we shall not be controlled by our unsubdued desires and propensities’. From experience and study of the lives of great men that impacted the world spiritually, it’s only in God’s presence that a man’s wild nature is tamed. I am a man, and know this to be true because I have been amazed at what my mind had imagined to do at times, and if not for God, I could have also been a playboy. God’s presence loosens and softens us and helps us put our raging passions under His power.
A hot tempered man may love his wife, but that won’t stop him from punching her when the chips are down though he would sure regret it when he calms down…” oh baby, I didn’t mean to hurt you..” but he can only deal with the wild beast in him not by self control and discipline alone but by the pruning work that the Holy Spirit does when a man lingers in God’s presence. Moses was said to be the meekest man on earth because no man had spent as much as 40 days of undiluted and uninterrupted encounter in God’s presence like him. If Saul never had an encounter with Jesus’ presence, the transformation from Saul to Paul the Apostle wouldn’t have happened!
I step aside…and let’s go on…..
2. Does the guy love God’s Word
What shapes the guy’s thoughts? What books does he read? What would be the most important book and music/video CD he would carry with him if he were to be incarcerated in a lonely island? That will tell you what his philosophies are. A secular and post-modernism mindset would sure make a man rationalize his excesses. But if a man is committed to reading and studying God’s word his thoughts and ways would be in sync with what he reads, watches and thinks about which would determine his character because as a man thinketh, so is he the bible tells us.
This is important from the standpoint of the ‘headship’ of the home. A man is to give leadership, not through management theories and practises but leadership through example in the steps of “Jesus who loved the church (his bride) and gave his life for her”…and he instructed his bride ‘ by the washing of the water by the WORD”. He knew God’s word, and taught his bride same word. He used the word to challenge the status quo and prevalent thoughts of his time (socio-political, economic, religious etc). When he was faced with temptations, challenges and trials, he never blew his cool or flunked because he was a Man of the WORD
3. Does he WORK? What are His visions, goals and dreams?
Remember, Adam was commissioned by God to tend the Garden of Eden. Before then, he was given his life’s goal by God. His calling was to ” increase, multiply, replenish and subdue the earth” and that command gave him a sense of purpose. So ask the guy what his calling is, his vocation and destination in life. Is it removed from God? Is he content with just having a career?
Getting to the peak of one’s career doesn’t bring fulfilment for anyone…except if one has impacted humanity positively, and bettered the lots of others. Our fulfilment comes from doing what God has designed us to do, not just in the doing but in discovering the essence of our existence. Is he pursuing career at all cost and at the expense of family and friends? What does his work colleagues and friends say about him?
4. Can he protect and cherish you?
A man’s muscle fibres hypertrophies as he exercise and works. He gains strength and stamina which makes him feel like a man. When a guy works out, and acquires bulging muscles and 6-packs, he feels cool and in charge. As an undergrad in university, I was close to some military cadets in my Fellowship during Easter conferences. I saw that girls just liked them, guess why? Because a woman loves to be around a man whom she knows would protect her from other guys.
Besides physical protection, it’s a man’s duty to shield a woman from other types of dangers and in doing so, ensure that her needs are met accordingly…emotionally, sexually, financially and otherwise. This is where LOVE comes in and romance also has its place. But realise that they didn’t come first; rather it trails Loving God, Pursuing his presence, and knowing and applying God’s word. If a man takes care of the first conditions, romance would be sure to fulfil its place and not the converse. Hence, love alone my dear isn’t enough but yet critical.
A passionate and romantic man won’t know discretion if he doesn’t submit his passions to God. Loving God and pursuing his presence helps a man ‘dam’ his passions. If the restrain that God provides is laid aside, a man becomes a play boy thus proving the erroneous view that men are polygamous in nature. We can easily be distracted and allowing romantic attraction to come first is akin to putting the cart before the horse. The cart is good, but it is to be guarded, directed, guided and given purpose by the horse the powerhouse. In our context this is the Love for God, and the fear of Him. Next: "Who should I marry? Deciding between two suitors – part 3"
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