Is Digging Into Your Spouse’s Past Necessary?


The saying “He who finds equity must come with clean hands” and “Honesty is the best policy” should ideally be the bedrock of any relationship required for the long term. There shouldn’t be any form of deception or plan to deceive especially in marriage. Sometimes things happen to us that are beyond our control and we ask God “Why Me?” These events could have occurred in our lives as a direct or indirect result of ones decisions or foolishness. In as much as God forgives our sins and remembers them not, they still linger in our minds and affect our current circumstances, how we view ourselves, our confidence and how we trust other people.

It the event that you now live a renewed life style and a God sent relationship beckons at your doorstep, you may begin to wonder if, how and when you should tell you intended spouse or husband about the past that haunts you, which you would rather forget.

In some case it may be necessary to share the events of the past with your spouse before marriage especially if it is has direct consequences on your marriage and your future together. Bear in mind that circumstances may occur in the future in which your spouse finds out from other sources. He or she may feel betrayed – not necessary because of the events that occurred, but because of the fact that they found out by accident from from other sources.

But how do you go about telling you spouse that you were:

  • a product of a rape, raped or abused as a child
  • promiscuous and partook in orgies
  • a drug addict and lived a rebellious life
  • an ex-convict convicted for burglary, theft, rape or murder
  • abused in a previous relationship or marriage
  • had an abortion which led to removal of your womb
  • had a vasectomy and cannot father a child
  • abandoned a child on the streets, gave up a child for adoption
  • involved in pornography, homosexuality or bestiality
  • had a sex change operation

But you may have to when:

  • childbearing become elusive because of an absent womb
  • a porn movies you starred in or sex-tape is about to be released or brought to the attention of your spouse
  • the kid you claim to be your sibling is actually your child
  • you are deep in debt from a wasteful past and chased by debtors
  • your new neighbour was on your hit list or a one night stand victim
  • you cross path with a previous client while in the sex trade business
  • your deteriorating medical condition is a result of your past addiction
  • resources available to run the home is insufficient because you are paying child support secretly

The list is endless and circumstance differs. But the issue is still the same. How do you tell the one you love the dark side of your past without feeling inferior, rejected or vulnerable?

It takes a great deal of courage and trust to share the past with your spouse or spouse to be. Many people never develop that level trust in marriage. If your spouse is able speak out, it is an indication of trust, the value placed on the relationship and belief in you.

However it is crucial that you evaluate the information you intend to share with your spouse and the amount of detail you give especially if it wasn’t a pleasant experience. Men and women handle things differently. Guys tend to paint pictures in the mind from information given, so be careful with the amount of detail you give when sharing details that are sexual in nature. He may have a hard time trying to get rid of those thoughts and scenes from his mind.

Timing is of utmost importance especially when speaking to the man. You must get the timing right. This would determine whether it would be world war III or cloud 9 after that discussion.

The spouse must earn the other parties trust to share such details. You don’t have or need to demand for information. It must come from the heart and the narrator must have full confidence, trust and belief in you. As coined, Intimacy means “into-me-see”. To be intimate with each other you need to know each other and not be ashamed. It requires wisdom and the truth must be told in love at the right time. Both parties need to be "Naked and Unashamed".

You can use your past to encourage others. Take comfort from the bible with accounts of men and women God used despite their past e.g. the woman by the well of Samaria, the prostitute about to be stoned to death, Matthew the tax collector, Paul the Apostle, .There are a lot of charities and ministries who’s founders and leaders have gone through horrible past. Rather than give the devil the glory, they have used it to the glory of God to help others and prevent people from going through the same ordeal, notably:

There is the possibility that sharing your deep secret can lead to the breakup of the relationship or marriage which isn’t the desired outcome, in such cases the situation may be too much for the other party to bear due to the depth of betrayal he or she may be. The sooner you are able to share them the lesser the effect would be and certainly should be shared before exchanging marriage vows.

God can heal every situation and restore all that the canker worm have eaten. Trust him and rest in his love and assurance of salvation.

Recommended Books

Broken Children, Grown-up Pain: Understanding the Effects of Your Wounded Past

Despair. Emotional isolation. Self-loathing. Immaturity. Abusive actions.These are just some of the damaging fragments that remain embedded within our personalities, behaviors, and souls when we are broken as children. The memory of the past may seem distant and clouded, but within its scars deep wounds remain that continue to inflict pain upon our adult lives—and often end up spilling into the lives of others.

In Broken Children, Grown-Up Pain, Paul Hegstrom, author of Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, shows us the scars from his broken childhood and shares practical and proven methods for facing and dealing with the pain of the past. By using scientific research, psychological studies, and biblical principles—especially those found in the Jewish model of raising children—he points us to the place of healing where we are finally free to pursue authentic relationships and build healthy emotional intimacy with others.

A Path Through Suffering: Discovering the Relationship Between God’s Mercy and Our Pain

Must we stumble through sorrow and tragedy without understanding or is there a lighted way—a path—through suffering? In A Path Through Suffering, Elliot plots the treacherous passage through pain, grief, and loss, a journey most of us will make many times in our life. Not hesitating to ask hard questions, she tenderly examines the hurts we suffer and boldly explores the nature of a God whose sovereign, intimate and perfect care for us confounds our finite understanding.

Through it all, she says there is only one reliable path, and, if you walk it, you will see the transformation of all your losses, heartbreaks, and tragedies into something strong and purposeful.

Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars

When you discover your husband is involved in sexual sin–whether it’s lust, pornography, infidelity, or some other behavior–pain whips through you like a tornado. You wonder: will I survive this betrayal, will my marriage survive–and do I even want it to, and where is God in all of this? If your struggling with questions like these, you’ll find hope and healing in this book

Naked Intimacy: How to Increase True Openness in Your Relationship

Moving from indifference to passion in love relationships. Each of us longs to be loved and accepted for the person we truly are. Love relationships, at their best, provide an opportunity to discover and nurture our authentic selves. Ironically, our need for validation – or fear of rejection – is often so strong that we become guarded from the most important person in our lives: our love partner.

The soul-baring intimacy and willingness to know and be known that made the beginning of love so passionate and exciting is instead replaced with feelings of apprehension, loneliness, and alienation. We may wonder if it is possible to regain genuine connection. Written by a leading couples therapist, “Naked Intimacy” illuminates the true meaning of intimacy and shows us how to achieve and maintain it over the long term


About Author

Pele began his education in Nigeria before moving to the UK for a masters degree and subsequently a PhD in computer science. The sharp contrast in life and morals in the UK motivated him to start his blog, a website dedicated to sharing candid and virtuous views to enable individuals and families maximize their potentials in life, relationships and finances.

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